Your Honor

Well its official. Today at about noon I became the Mayor of our time. I was mayor pro-tem, but our mayor resigned her position today so I get moved up to interium mayor until we can have an election. Yea its weird...but I had to share it with the blogger world...or whoever actually reads this lol. Mayor at 24 (25 in April not that it matters)...perhaps I should start thinking about running for a higher office ;-)

A little nothing

I really have nothing to say in this post. But I feel duty bound to write a little something. My life really is fairly simple. I'm either at my house or my boyfriends, we watch movies a lot or I play video games. Every once in awhile we get a chance to play D&D with our friends (oh shut up, its a really good outlet for my over active imagination), and on Sundays we will go out and have paintball wars.
These little outings, loading up a couple of boxes of paintballs, a few full CO2 canisters and our guns and going out into Blackforest to have mini-wars, have been the most exciting thing to happen lately. Granted it has been a lot of fun. I'm the only girl that will go to war with them, and most of the time I'm one of the last ones standing. I've never really realized how nice it was to be female during things like that. We were playing a game of capture the flag, 3 on 3, and my teammate Dale and I were pinned down right next to the flag in some trees. All of a sudden Dale yelled beside me (scared the hell out of me too). "Holy shit he shot me right in the ball!" and he collapsed. Now I haven't kicked a guy in the baby maker since I was about 11, so I forgot how violently guys react to that. He rolled around on the ground for about 5 minutes and then crawled behind a tree and was sick. I was giving him a ration of shit for being a baby, until I got hit in the neck and it gave me a welt the size of my fist. Then I knew how he felt...well kind of felt, I'm sure getting one of your balls tagged by a paintball propelled by CO2 hurts a little bit more.
I've been a tomboy as long as I can remember. I had barbies but they spent a lot of time umm with GI Joe lol. They also had their feet melted to lightbulbs. I'm really not so different now. I hate pink, I dont wear dresses, and my boss says I have a very male attitude or point of view toward pretty much everything. So its with great consternation that I realize how girly I am in my relationship. His birthday was last week, and I promised to cook him whatever he wanted for dinner, and bake him a cake. Which I did...and I had fun. That's just wrong. Don't get me wrong I like to cook, but usually it isn't my first thought for someone's birthday. My idea of a good birthday for someone (other than the actual present) is great sex and pizza (no not at the same time). Then I found myself at the grill doing up two steaks and a couple of ears of corn on the cob (frozen corn on the cob is just not as good in case you were wondering) making rolls and scalloped potatoes and getting everything ready to make cake. It was frightfully domestic...and girly. Yuck. But it seems that girly moments are just going to happen every once in awhile now, all I can do is accept it and try not to draw to much attention to it if I dont' have to.
Ah well....such is life.

What a waste

Its the day after Christmas and my office is a tomb, literally I've seen 10 people here today out of about 400 that work in my building. Seriously, is there a purpose for being here today. On the up side i get to go home early, so I guess I can't complain to much.
How was your Christmas? No really, give it some thought. Was it everything you'd hoped for, or where you sadly disappointed? Why do you feel that way? I love Christmas. I know some people have let the growing commercialization of the holidays jade their view of the festivities, but I stubbornly refuse to let that happen to myself. Granted Christmas Eve was a partial disaster, but that's largely due to one particular individual in my family...we will call her the stepmonster. She always manages to ruin at least one holiday by being hateful and nasty to either my sister or I, and this year she so graciously picked Christmas, and also targeted me for most of her spiteful hateful commentary, which I appreciate ever so much. My dad remains completely oblivious to her behavior but he's about the only one, so it manages to make everyone else tense, uncomfortable and irritable. She's like a hemrroid really....perhaps I will start calling her hemrroid, heehee I like that. However, after that painful event the rest of the holiday was superb! I got some really excellent gifts, and everyone was really pleased with what I had given them. Even though we didn't manage to get liquored up and play cards we still had a really good time.
My friend Bitch #1 got married, the ceremony was completely beautiful, and we all had so much hairspray in our hair that coming within 2 feet of any open flame had the potential to be highly regretable. My favorite part was one of our bridesmaid presents. All 5 of us, and the bride rocked out some 80's style leg warmers! Laugh if you will, but they were completely fantastic! They even matched our dresses, which makes them that much better, we were even inspired to do a really terrific redition of one of the dances from Flashdance (its a movie...go out and rent it).
December has been a really good month. Soon it will be January, and we will begin the tedious journey through another year. Well might as well look forward to the great things to come. Cheers!!

Christmas Time

Last night was a Christmas spirit sort of night. I put Miracle on 34th Street in, gathered my wraping paper supplies and presents and sat infront of the tree and did some wraping. Every once in awhile I caught myself staring at the tree. The silver, gold, and crystal of the ornaments catching and relecting the lights of the tree, making it sparkle and dance with light. It amazes me how much the sight of my Christmas tree twinkling in the dark can still fill my heart with hope. When I was little the tree always entranced me. Its presance in our house meant that everyone was usually happy, and that good things were just around the corner. No matter how awful anything else was, Christmas was always a good time of year, it was always something happy. Things have changed quite a bit since I was a little girl watching the lights on the tree, but the feeling seems to be the same. Its comforting to know that there are still things in my life that I carry from childhood, symbols of joy and hope and expectation that can still resonate with my soul. To know that the "real world" hasn't jaded me so much that the soft twinkle of Christmas lights can still touch my heart.

Its either that...or I just really like getting presents. Heehee, I'd like to think that its both.

Programers are funny

I got this error message while I was reviewing upcoming ads when I tried to view an ad from yesterday. This just proves that programers (well some of them) actually do have a sense of humor.

Preview time is before current time. Traveling back in time, thoughtheoretically permitted by the theory of general relativity, is not permitted in this context.Please adjust time to after 4:07:41 PM.

SO EARLY!!!

Black Friday is not a favorite day. I don't understand why people would brave the crowds, and the insane traffic, just to get bashed around in a store they didn't really need anything from. As for me I'm sitting here at my desk at work...I've been here since 3 am monitoring and reviewing our online ads for Black Friday. There was no way I was going to be able to drag my ass out of bed after only a few hours of sleep I decided to just stay up. The realization is fast setting in that I am just too old for that type of shinnanigans. I'm very very tired. Perhaps I'll write more later. I need to try to focus on something to stay awake lol.

The women in my life

Yes, I realize that the title of this post might imply that I have some salacious lesbian gossip from a newly formed gay alter ego, but that isn't what this post is about (I like boys thank you very much!). This is actually about the females in my life that I have the privialge of calling dear friends, despite their weird tendancies. Let me lead you on an adventure into my friendships with them....(and no they are not in any particulare order of importance, actual there is no order at all)

Lets begin with Bitch #1. She and I have been friends for an indeterminate number of years...actually I think its something like 6 but I'm not entirely sure. We went to collage together, and associate with the same group of randomly geeky yet totally loveable group of friends. I am Bitch #2 to her Bitch #1. This is not arbitrary, there is a reason she is #1. We both have tempers, and we both have a vile and often cruel sense of humor. However, whereas I have the ability to control some of my mouthy, I'm trying to be a bitch tendancies, Bitch #1 has very little control...at all. Don't get me wrong, she does have directional control...if she wants to aim the bitchiness at you, make no mistake it will not go directionally flying out of control and land on some innocent bystander. It is impart because of this special bond of bitch-tastic goodness that we are friends. Our bitchiness makes us laugh. As an example we spent a good 30 minutes last night laughing so hard we were crying while talking about a house getting egged and the funny sounds marbles would make if you dump them into someone's gas tank. She's getting married soon and I get to be a bridesmaid, I guess that just proves that bitches of a feather flock together LOL.

Then there's my girl in Houston...just for fun we'll call her Houston. I've known Houston almost as long as I've known Bitch #1. We went to college together, and she is part of the geeky yet totally loveable group of friends. Its funny, while we were actually at school together we werent really super close. We hung out, but almost never just one on one. Actually I think the only thing we did just the two of us was our student loan exit seminar at the end of our senior year lol. We graduated and she moved back to the Springs. Then she moved again...to Hungary. Its amusing that the farther away she moved the closer friends we became. While she was overseas we talked nearly everyday. I knew her joys and sorrows of life over there, and she knew mine of living in Nebraska. I know now the great friend I missed out on all those years in college. She is the girl I can always convice to go on a shopping spree at Facsinations and have a great time playing with all the little gadgets ;-). We are both very random people who enjoy talking to each other in high born english accents for no apparent reason. Houston is also getting married soon...to a man she met in Hungary, but who was actually from Texas (see this is the kinda of randomness I'm talking about) and I get to be bridesmaid for that one too! It makes me sad that she lives so far away, but I have not given up yet! She'll be here in December and I'm going to kidnap her and make her get a job here! Ha take that Texas!!

Interesting little tidbit

So funny thing happened last night. I got elected Mayor. Yea I know, weird right. Technically I'm mayor pro tem. Basically I will serve as Mayor if for any reason the current mayor is unable (out of time, busy, etc) or unwilling, which I have the feeling is going to be a lot. It's very odd. I'm only 24 and I'm an elected official. Next stop...white house baby!!! LOL, hey it could happen.

More to come when i can think of something more to write about.

All Hallow's Eve

Happy Halloween Everyone! Its always a fun day at work when Halloween falls in the middle of the week. My cube-mate and i have been decorating for the last two weeks, and today she made a cat litter cake! It was fantastically disgusting, and oh-so-tasty too! Hope everyone has a great day!

October

This month has been an interesting journey. During the first two weeks of the month two very special and greatly loved peole in my family died. I loved them both very much and definitely wasn't ready lose either of them. But life is what it is and you have to learn to accept the temporary status with which we are all granted. Nothing is forever, and I just have to come to terms with that. I still get teary eyed thinking about them, what each of them brought to my life, and how my experiences with them helped shape me into the person I am today. I also found out that one of my friends from Nebraska passed away. She was only 26 and it was very sudden, she had stage 4 lung cancer that the doctors didn't detect until it was too late. But in all the sadness there were good things too. I got hired on as a permenant employee at my job. Nope, I wasn't permenant before...its a long story, but I am now and I'm really excited about that. And I've had Caleb by my side through the whole thing. Being in love with someone, truly in love, for the first time is a thrilling thing. He is my best friend, and has been there to comfort me through all of this miserable-ness, which I appreciate more than I could ever really tell him.

The year is flying by at a terrifying pace. Michelle's wedding is a little over a month away and Chelsea's wedding is exactly 6 months from today (that means that my half birthday was 4 days ago...for some reason I always send myself flowers on my half birthday...its a fun way to celebrate the mundane, guess I'll have to send myself belated flowers heehee). I've been back in Colorado for a little more than a year and I couldn't be happier about it. I missed everything here so much, and I'm glad I figured out where I belong...at least for the moment.

Well that is my little update on what's been going on here. I'll try to think of something funny or amusing to share soon, try to lighten things back up around here.

Goodbye may seem forever

A good friend of mine told me today that you should celebrate the life of a loved one, not mourn their death. Although I'm not totally ready to embrace that theory yet, I need something to take my mind off of the sadness. I love my great grandma, she was an amazing person, and had one of the fiestiest German tempers of anyone I've ever met. I have so many good memories of her while I was growing up. So in an effort to focus on the happy times I will write a few of them here. Perhpas in the years to come I will be able to look back on this and smile and remember how much it helped me get through that first day.
Grandma Obie babysat my twin sister and I when we were little. It never failed that the second we walked in the door, and right before we left we would each get a lemon drop. It is because of her that I love those little candies so much. Grandma would always ask our mom's permission before giving us sweets and my sister and I were so proud of ourselves when we learned how to spell lemon drop by listening to her ask mom's permission. Our pride was short lived however, when we found out that "c a n d y" does not spell lemon drop.
She made us care bear costumes for halloween. She made each of them by hand, as she firmly believed that sewing machines were cheating. They had these huge heads with holes in the mouths were our faces showed through and "paws" to cover our hands and shoes. She even embrodiered a care bear symbol on the tummy of each outfit. I remember being so incredibly warm that halloween because those things were ridiculously well insulated heehee, but we were the only kids that didn't have to wear coats over our costumes that year. I still have my care bear costume, and one day I will be able to let one of my children wear it.
Her apartment complex had a game room. In the game room was a pool table that she would take us down to play with. We never got to use the cues (for obvious reasons that we were twins and sisters and would have used them to smack each other) but we had endless hours of fun shoving the balls into the pockets. And she would sit there with us, just letting us play as long as we wanted.
Grandma Obie always kept a big plastic molded bag...almost like a big plastic beach bag...full of toys in her closet in the apartment. There wasn't anything fancy in the bag, but those toys kept us out of her hair and out of trouble for as long as she would let us play with them. I still remember which closet door you had to go to to get the bag of toys.
My sister and I always called her Grandma Obie (her real first name is Martha and her last name is Oblander...but her husbands nickname was Obie so that's what she wanted us to call her). It always frustrated us so much that my cousins called her GG. We could never figure out why they called her that. It wasn't until we were about 7 or 8 that we realized that GG was short for Great Grandma, but we still didn't understand why they didn't just call her Grandma Obie like the rest of us. Hey I never said we weren't a tad self centered as children heehee.
There are a hundred other memories I could write down, a dozen more stories I could tell you about what she was like, and who she was. But those are the ones that always seem to come to my mind first. I am still sad that she's gone. She wont get to see either Chrissy or I get married, she wont be able to hold her first great great grandchild. All the things we had known she would always be there for will happen without her sitting there with us. I know she will always be watching over us, and it helps to know that she will still be there scolding us when we've done something wrong. That at least is some comfort. Things will get better, and it is nice to be able to smile some today. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

The Relentless march of Fall

Fall is coming. Saying this out loud, or just typing it, makes me sad for the summer that has gone by. This summer had so much potential, so many opportunities for so many wonderful things and now it is all but gone. There is an elm tree in our parking lot at work. I look at it quite often as it is right outside my window. Today it seems to be yelling to remind me that the blissfully warm days of summer are drawing to a close. This message is displayed in the beautiful yet tragic changing of its leaves. The entire left side of the tree is yellow, while the right side remains a deep green. The middle is sort of a blend, a mottled transition between one season and the next. That really kind of sums up how I feel about today, a mottled transition between the week and the weekend. It makes for a very blah and kind of apathetic day really.

Then let amorous kisses dwell

I really like this poem so I thought I would share. Catullus isn't nearly as appreciated as he should be...


Song 5 to Lesbia
~Gaius Valerius Catullus

Come and let us live my Deare,
Let us love and never feare,
What the sourest Fathers say;
Brightest Sol that dyes to day
Lives againe as blith to morrow,
But if we darke sons of sorrow
Set; O then how long a Night
Shuts the Eyes of our short light!
Then let amorous kisses dwell
On our lips, begin and tell
A thousand, and a Hundred score
A hundred, and a Thousand more,
Till another Thousand smother
That, and wipe off another.
Thus at last when we have numbered
Many a thousand, many a Hundred;
We'll confound the reckoning quite,
And lose our selves in wild delight;
While our joys so multiply,
As shall mock the envious eye.

Window seat please...

Its moving day at work. About every two years or so they restructure positions within the company and give everyone a chance to pick a new job, and give almost everyone a new place to sit. Well I'm keeping my job, but getting a new place to sit. We work in cubicle land. Sure a lot of people have real offices with real doors, but most of us have to live happily ever after in our doorless, windowless little corners of the office.
My new cubicle has a window....a big one! Its almost sad how excited I am about this. And in all honesty I do have some right to be, getting a window is a big deal. Some of the other assistants have been here for 3-5 years and have never even come close to a window...even a view of a wall with a window in it.
So is it slightly pathetic that I'm excited about having a window as one whole wall of my cubicle...yes. Am I going to let that diminish my joy in the situation....nope I'm sure not!!!!

Sharing Silence

I really enjoy having someone to share silence with. In nearly all of my relationships, whether they are friends, family, or boyfriends, it seems that there is always a constant need for noise, for interference to fill the space. It isn't a bad thing, mostly my friends and I just have a lot to say to each other so there is very little silence when we are together. I never really appreciated how nice it can be to just exist with someone else in the room. Without a need to babble, or talk, or make any noise at all, to just sit together. It rained last night while I was with Caleb. We were sitting on the couch, each reading our own book, commenting on parts we thought were interesting or silly, and it started to thunder. He put his arm around my shoulders and I laid my head against his chest and we just sat and listened to the storm. It was okay that we weren't talking, we just sat there and shared the sounds of the storm, and the comfortable silence that existed in the house. I never thought I would enjoy that so much, but there was something about just sitting there that was more meaningful than an hours worth of conversation.

I wasn't always okay with stuff like that. Until recently I was very much a "keep to yourself" kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I love going out with my friends, and being around people I enjoy, but mostly I just wanted to sit in my room, with a good book and a warm blanket and just be with myself. I attribute this largely to the fact that I had been single for 10 months...the longest stretch of time since I was in the 7th grade. I wanted, and needed, that time to become comfortable with me. I needed to get to know the Rachel that wasn't attached to a boy, that didn't have to worry about anyone's happiness but her own, that didn't have to make excuses for whatever guy she was dating. Some of that time was really hard on me, after having been in one relationship or another for so long it was really hard to get comfortable with the fact that I didn't have to have a boyfriend to complete my life. I missed loving someone, and having someone to love. But the more I looked at it, and thought about it, I don't think I ever really loved any of them. Don't get me wrong, I loved parts of their personality, I loved certain things about who they were, but I never really loved any of them for all that they were, or all that they weren't. I only loved the positive things but never loved who they were with flaws. And conversley I don't think any of them really loved me either. There was always something about me that wasn't enough, or wasn't good enough. Accepting that actually brought me a lot of peace about my direction in life in general. The last few months have been easier. I don't feel the need to seclude myself just to get away from everything. I don't feel odd hanging out with friends that are dating someone. It also allowed me to start this new relationship with fresh eyes, and a happier outlook. I am falling for his flaws just as much as I am falling for his perfections. Its such a nice change to be accepted for all the things that I am...but also for all the things that I will never be. I finally know what it really feels like to be happy in a relationship.

On a wholey unrelated side note, I found out this weekend that my ex has moved back to Colorado. This news entertains me a great deal. Mostly because a large reason I left in the first place was his all out flat refusal to ever move back to Colorado. Now I find out that not only did he move back, but he is living with his parents. It would seem that for all the lectures about his need to fulfill his dreams he never had the ambition to make that happen.

I always wondered

In a rather random conversation this weekend I came up with a list of some of the things I always wanted to know...I share them with you now in hopes that someone out there will be able to answer one or two of them for me:

Why was Smurfette the only girl smurf? This question has plagued me since my childhood.

Why did the Jetsons still have highways in space...and traffic jams? Its space for crying-out-loud!

Another Jetsons question. When the policeman pulls you over in space he has an air helmet on much like astronauts wear now...but the bubble dome on George's car always just lifts right up. Why does the cop need an oxygen bubble, but the vacuum of space doesn't suck George's brain out of his ears without one?

Who gets to have vending machines in the white house...coke or pepsi? I wonder this because in the vast majority of buildings you have to pick one or the other. If this is how it works for the white house does the President get to pick which vendor gets to bring frosty beverages in?

Was bugs bunny a transvestite or was he really just messing with Elmer Fudd?

Does the fact that your finger fits perfectly in your own nose, but not nearly as well in someone elses' prove that there is a God...or does it just prove that we spend too much of our childhood with our fingers up our noses?

If anyone can provide any nuggets of wisom regarding these dilemas I would welcome them!!

Good Things Come...

To those who wait. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that. That I need to be patient, that when I'm meant to have something it will find me and I need to stop pushing. I hated hearing that. Mostly it was because I didn't like being told to give up trying for the things that I want. I'm usually a "doer," if it isn't happening the way it should or not happening at all I try to find a way to make it. I hold fast to the belief that there is always something you can do to change your situation. However, nothing I was doing was making what I wanted happen, or making the non-existant situation better. Until I stopped trying. I just let it go. I will not even try to describe how incredibly difficult that was. That was about 3 weeks ago...I just quite trying. And wouldn't you know it, here I sit, with exactly what I worked for so many months to try to get, and I did nothing to make it happen...I just was. Its still very new, so clearly I'm still in the stupid happy phase, which I expect to wear off any day now lol, but i'm really hoping it doesn't. As much as I want to tell you about all the cute, seemingly insignificant stuff that goes on that makes it special I will refrain (for now lol), mostly because I know very few people who will read this will actually care. But for now lets just say that more than any piece of jewelry or expensive gift you can give a person, its the little gestures that you make every day that can truly make a person feel loved.

Calvin and Hobbes

Sometimes its important not to worry about the little things...

Daily Horoscope

Usually I read my horoscope every morning. I almost never put stock by it, but sometimes I just find it interesting. This is what mine said today: "Taurus: You may consider expressing a feeling that has been locked up, but it could bring up complex relationship issues that you would prefer to avoid for now. Even if you want to share a profound emotion, you might be conflicted about how much to reveal. Let logic be your guide for now and don't show too much until you are more comfortable. "
This got me thinking...is there really locked up feeling that I have about a relationship? Is there something I have been avoiding telling an important person in my life (I assume its an important person as I don't really have profound emotions about people that aren't important to me.) I actually spent a little time thinking about this, if there was a danger of me randomly blurting out an important feeling to someone I wanted to know about it before they did. The first thought I had was "I would really like some cottage cheese." However, that was completely unproductive when considering the above statement, so I chose to ignore it (heehee come on laugh, I thought it was funny, and yes that's really the first thing I thought).
This actually proved to be a very productive reflection. I am, sometimes terrifyingly, honest with my friends, at least my very close friends. If I care about someone then I am going to tell them the truth and tell them what I think and feel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or them. Its important that people know how you feel about them, so many people live to regret not saying certain things for one reason or another. I have told people I loved them, even when I know they don't love me back (because lets face it who doesn't want to be told that someone loves them); I've told several of my friends that they are ridiculous, or assholish, or self centered. I'm not ashamed of having told some of my friends the things they didn't want to hear (especially the self centered one) because as important as it is to compliment them and tell them nice upbeat things, its also important to tell them the not-so-happy things. Too often it is hard for people to see how their behavior is hurting others, not because they don't care, they are simply just too close to the situation. Sometimes is good for someone else to hold up the mirror to your face, and make you look at the things you didn't want to see. There are very few cases where honesty will ruin a really good friendship. Although I'm more open with some of my friends than others, I still tell all of them the important things, the really meaningful things that I think and feel.
So after all that rambling, I've decided not to worry much about today's horoscope. Maybe there is something that I am just not ready to admit to myself that I feel about someone I know. But on the whole I am confident that they all know the important things that I would have to share with them. Life is just too short to keep things from people you care about.

Just one of those days

For no good reason I'm very sad today. There is nothing in particular that has gone wrong today or this week, I'm just sad. I think part of it may be that one of my really good friends is going home to Houston. I got to spend some time with her this weekend and last night which is great, but I'm sad that she's leaving again. She makes me laugh, and those people seem to be running short these days. Perhaps that's it. I haven't been able to sit down with friends and just laugh and have fun in a long time. I also finally admitted that some of my friends will just never be there when I need them to be. Perhaps I was demanding to much of them, perhaps they just dont have time...I dont really know and I'm tired of trying to worry about it. Maybe its a good thing, perhaps now I will get better at dealing with my life on my own, and I wont need to turn to anyone but myself for consolation and reassurance. That would certainly be different, who knows...maybe it will be better.
Even as I try to put my finger on it now, sitting here writing, I can't quite decide what is wrong with this day. Maybe its just everything, all the things that didn't happen and should have, all the things I want to happen that never will. Perhaps the weight of all of those things has finally filled me, finally made itself really known. I feel like its choking a part of me, like its stilling the breath in my lungs. Hopefully writing it all down and getting it out will ease that a bit, let me breath around it again.
I have been thinking about my ex a little lately. He called about 2 weeks ago just to talk. We ended, or I should say I ended, the relationship almost a year ago, in September it will be a year. Talking to him made me realize that I do actually miss him. Not really the relationship because that was mostly awful, at least toward the end, but him as a person when things were good and we were friends. I hate that I didn't try harder to stay friends with him. I needed to make a clean break, to move past that part of my life and try to heal some of the damage that was done to my soul, and my heart. That conversation was the first time I've talked to him since last September. I'm sad that it got to that point. It was awkward talking to him, but we talked through it and by the end of the conversation it was better, not great, but better. I hope that we can be friends again, he was a really good friend. It feels good to be able to say that to everyone, and no one. That I can admit that I miss him, but not that I miss him as a boyfriend, that I really do miss him as a friend and know that it is okay. That I don't have to feel any animosity or anger toward him, that part of things is over and I've fixed all that can be fixed at this point. That is just...better. I don't like hating my ex's. Though there is one I will never forgive for what he did, I don't hate him...I pity him.
Hopefully getting all of this out will help, I don't feel like I'm drowning in this feeling anymore and that's always nice. Maybe tonight I will have let some of it go, knowing that its not something I have to worry about. Maybe...