The Relentless march of Fall

Fall is coming. Saying this out loud, or just typing it, makes me sad for the summer that has gone by. This summer had so much potential, so many opportunities for so many wonderful things and now it is all but gone. There is an elm tree in our parking lot at work. I look at it quite often as it is right outside my window. Today it seems to be yelling to remind me that the blissfully warm days of summer are drawing to a close. This message is displayed in the beautiful yet tragic changing of its leaves. The entire left side of the tree is yellow, while the right side remains a deep green. The middle is sort of a blend, a mottled transition between one season and the next. That really kind of sums up how I feel about today, a mottled transition between the week and the weekend. It makes for a very blah and kind of apathetic day really.

Then let amorous kisses dwell

I really like this poem so I thought I would share. Catullus isn't nearly as appreciated as he should be...


Song 5 to Lesbia
~Gaius Valerius Catullus

Come and let us live my Deare,
Let us love and never feare,
What the sourest Fathers say;
Brightest Sol that dyes to day
Lives againe as blith to morrow,
But if we darke sons of sorrow
Set; O then how long a Night
Shuts the Eyes of our short light!
Then let amorous kisses dwell
On our lips, begin and tell
A thousand, and a Hundred score
A hundred, and a Thousand more,
Till another Thousand smother
That, and wipe off another.
Thus at last when we have numbered
Many a thousand, many a Hundred;
We'll confound the reckoning quite,
And lose our selves in wild delight;
While our joys so multiply,
As shall mock the envious eye.

Window seat please...

Its moving day at work. About every two years or so they restructure positions within the company and give everyone a chance to pick a new job, and give almost everyone a new place to sit. Well I'm keeping my job, but getting a new place to sit. We work in cubicle land. Sure a lot of people have real offices with real doors, but most of us have to live happily ever after in our doorless, windowless little corners of the office.
My new cubicle has a window....a big one! Its almost sad how excited I am about this. And in all honesty I do have some right to be, getting a window is a big deal. Some of the other assistants have been here for 3-5 years and have never even come close to a window...even a view of a wall with a window in it.
So is it slightly pathetic that I'm excited about having a window as one whole wall of my cubicle...yes. Am I going to let that diminish my joy in the situation....nope I'm sure not!!!!

Sharing Silence

I really enjoy having someone to share silence with. In nearly all of my relationships, whether they are friends, family, or boyfriends, it seems that there is always a constant need for noise, for interference to fill the space. It isn't a bad thing, mostly my friends and I just have a lot to say to each other so there is very little silence when we are together. I never really appreciated how nice it can be to just exist with someone else in the room. Without a need to babble, or talk, or make any noise at all, to just sit together. It rained last night while I was with Caleb. We were sitting on the couch, each reading our own book, commenting on parts we thought were interesting or silly, and it started to thunder. He put his arm around my shoulders and I laid my head against his chest and we just sat and listened to the storm. It was okay that we weren't talking, we just sat there and shared the sounds of the storm, and the comfortable silence that existed in the house. I never thought I would enjoy that so much, but there was something about just sitting there that was more meaningful than an hours worth of conversation.

I wasn't always okay with stuff like that. Until recently I was very much a "keep to yourself" kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I love going out with my friends, and being around people I enjoy, but mostly I just wanted to sit in my room, with a good book and a warm blanket and just be with myself. I attribute this largely to the fact that I had been single for 10 months...the longest stretch of time since I was in the 7th grade. I wanted, and needed, that time to become comfortable with me. I needed to get to know the Rachel that wasn't attached to a boy, that didn't have to worry about anyone's happiness but her own, that didn't have to make excuses for whatever guy she was dating. Some of that time was really hard on me, after having been in one relationship or another for so long it was really hard to get comfortable with the fact that I didn't have to have a boyfriend to complete my life. I missed loving someone, and having someone to love. But the more I looked at it, and thought about it, I don't think I ever really loved any of them. Don't get me wrong, I loved parts of their personality, I loved certain things about who they were, but I never really loved any of them for all that they were, or all that they weren't. I only loved the positive things but never loved who they were with flaws. And conversley I don't think any of them really loved me either. There was always something about me that wasn't enough, or wasn't good enough. Accepting that actually brought me a lot of peace about my direction in life in general. The last few months have been easier. I don't feel the need to seclude myself just to get away from everything. I don't feel odd hanging out with friends that are dating someone. It also allowed me to start this new relationship with fresh eyes, and a happier outlook. I am falling for his flaws just as much as I am falling for his perfections. Its such a nice change to be accepted for all the things that I am...but also for all the things that I will never be. I finally know what it really feels like to be happy in a relationship.

On a wholey unrelated side note, I found out this weekend that my ex has moved back to Colorado. This news entertains me a great deal. Mostly because a large reason I left in the first place was his all out flat refusal to ever move back to Colorado. Now I find out that not only did he move back, but he is living with his parents. It would seem that for all the lectures about his need to fulfill his dreams he never had the ambition to make that happen.

I always wondered

In a rather random conversation this weekend I came up with a list of some of the things I always wanted to know...I share them with you now in hopes that someone out there will be able to answer one or two of them for me:

Why was Smurfette the only girl smurf? This question has plagued me since my childhood.

Why did the Jetsons still have highways in space...and traffic jams? Its space for crying-out-loud!

Another Jetsons question. When the policeman pulls you over in space he has an air helmet on much like astronauts wear now...but the bubble dome on George's car always just lifts right up. Why does the cop need an oxygen bubble, but the vacuum of space doesn't suck George's brain out of his ears without one?

Who gets to have vending machines in the white house...coke or pepsi? I wonder this because in the vast majority of buildings you have to pick one or the other. If this is how it works for the white house does the President get to pick which vendor gets to bring frosty beverages in?

Was bugs bunny a transvestite or was he really just messing with Elmer Fudd?

Does the fact that your finger fits perfectly in your own nose, but not nearly as well in someone elses' prove that there is a God...or does it just prove that we spend too much of our childhood with our fingers up our noses?

If anyone can provide any nuggets of wisom regarding these dilemas I would welcome them!!