Goodbye may seem forever

A good friend of mine told me today that you should celebrate the life of a loved one, not mourn their death. Although I'm not totally ready to embrace that theory yet, I need something to take my mind off of the sadness. I love my great grandma, she was an amazing person, and had one of the fiestiest German tempers of anyone I've ever met. I have so many good memories of her while I was growing up. So in an effort to focus on the happy times I will write a few of them here. Perhpas in the years to come I will be able to look back on this and smile and remember how much it helped me get through that first day.
Grandma Obie babysat my twin sister and I when we were little. It never failed that the second we walked in the door, and right before we left we would each get a lemon drop. It is because of her that I love those little candies so much. Grandma would always ask our mom's permission before giving us sweets and my sister and I were so proud of ourselves when we learned how to spell lemon drop by listening to her ask mom's permission. Our pride was short lived however, when we found out that "c a n d y" does not spell lemon drop.
She made us care bear costumes for halloween. She made each of them by hand, as she firmly believed that sewing machines were cheating. They had these huge heads with holes in the mouths were our faces showed through and "paws" to cover our hands and shoes. She even embrodiered a care bear symbol on the tummy of each outfit. I remember being so incredibly warm that halloween because those things were ridiculously well insulated heehee, but we were the only kids that didn't have to wear coats over our costumes that year. I still have my care bear costume, and one day I will be able to let one of my children wear it.
Her apartment complex had a game room. In the game room was a pool table that she would take us down to play with. We never got to use the cues (for obvious reasons that we were twins and sisters and would have used them to smack each other) but we had endless hours of fun shoving the balls into the pockets. And she would sit there with us, just letting us play as long as we wanted.
Grandma Obie always kept a big plastic molded bag...almost like a big plastic beach bag...full of toys in her closet in the apartment. There wasn't anything fancy in the bag, but those toys kept us out of her hair and out of trouble for as long as she would let us play with them. I still remember which closet door you had to go to to get the bag of toys.
My sister and I always called her Grandma Obie (her real first name is Martha and her last name is Oblander...but her husbands nickname was Obie so that's what she wanted us to call her). It always frustrated us so much that my cousins called her GG. We could never figure out why they called her that. It wasn't until we were about 7 or 8 that we realized that GG was short for Great Grandma, but we still didn't understand why they didn't just call her Grandma Obie like the rest of us. Hey I never said we weren't a tad self centered as children heehee.
There are a hundred other memories I could write down, a dozen more stories I could tell you about what she was like, and who she was. But those are the ones that always seem to come to my mind first. I am still sad that she's gone. She wont get to see either Chrissy or I get married, she wont be able to hold her first great great grandchild. All the things we had known she would always be there for will happen without her sitting there with us. I know she will always be watching over us, and it helps to know that she will still be there scolding us when we've done something wrong. That at least is some comfort. Things will get better, and it is nice to be able to smile some today. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

The Relentless march of Fall

Fall is coming. Saying this out loud, or just typing it, makes me sad for the summer that has gone by. This summer had so much potential, so many opportunities for so many wonderful things and now it is all but gone. There is an elm tree in our parking lot at work. I look at it quite often as it is right outside my window. Today it seems to be yelling to remind me that the blissfully warm days of summer are drawing to a close. This message is displayed in the beautiful yet tragic changing of its leaves. The entire left side of the tree is yellow, while the right side remains a deep green. The middle is sort of a blend, a mottled transition between one season and the next. That really kind of sums up how I feel about today, a mottled transition between the week and the weekend. It makes for a very blah and kind of apathetic day really.

Then let amorous kisses dwell

I really like this poem so I thought I would share. Catullus isn't nearly as appreciated as he should be...


Song 5 to Lesbia
~Gaius Valerius Catullus

Come and let us live my Deare,
Let us love and never feare,
What the sourest Fathers say;
Brightest Sol that dyes to day
Lives againe as blith to morrow,
But if we darke sons of sorrow
Set; O then how long a Night
Shuts the Eyes of our short light!
Then let amorous kisses dwell
On our lips, begin and tell
A thousand, and a Hundred score
A hundred, and a Thousand more,
Till another Thousand smother
That, and wipe off another.
Thus at last when we have numbered
Many a thousand, many a Hundred;
We'll confound the reckoning quite,
And lose our selves in wild delight;
While our joys so multiply,
As shall mock the envious eye.

Window seat please...

Its moving day at work. About every two years or so they restructure positions within the company and give everyone a chance to pick a new job, and give almost everyone a new place to sit. Well I'm keeping my job, but getting a new place to sit. We work in cubicle land. Sure a lot of people have real offices with real doors, but most of us have to live happily ever after in our doorless, windowless little corners of the office.
My new cubicle has a window....a big one! Its almost sad how excited I am about this. And in all honesty I do have some right to be, getting a window is a big deal. Some of the other assistants have been here for 3-5 years and have never even come close to a window...even a view of a wall with a window in it.
So is it slightly pathetic that I'm excited about having a window as one whole wall of my cubicle...yes. Am I going to let that diminish my joy in the situation....nope I'm sure not!!!!

Sharing Silence

I really enjoy having someone to share silence with. In nearly all of my relationships, whether they are friends, family, or boyfriends, it seems that there is always a constant need for noise, for interference to fill the space. It isn't a bad thing, mostly my friends and I just have a lot to say to each other so there is very little silence when we are together. I never really appreciated how nice it can be to just exist with someone else in the room. Without a need to babble, or talk, or make any noise at all, to just sit together. It rained last night while I was with Caleb. We were sitting on the couch, each reading our own book, commenting on parts we thought were interesting or silly, and it started to thunder. He put his arm around my shoulders and I laid my head against his chest and we just sat and listened to the storm. It was okay that we weren't talking, we just sat there and shared the sounds of the storm, and the comfortable silence that existed in the house. I never thought I would enjoy that so much, but there was something about just sitting there that was more meaningful than an hours worth of conversation.

I wasn't always okay with stuff like that. Until recently I was very much a "keep to yourself" kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I love going out with my friends, and being around people I enjoy, but mostly I just wanted to sit in my room, with a good book and a warm blanket and just be with myself. I attribute this largely to the fact that I had been single for 10 months...the longest stretch of time since I was in the 7th grade. I wanted, and needed, that time to become comfortable with me. I needed to get to know the Rachel that wasn't attached to a boy, that didn't have to worry about anyone's happiness but her own, that didn't have to make excuses for whatever guy she was dating. Some of that time was really hard on me, after having been in one relationship or another for so long it was really hard to get comfortable with the fact that I didn't have to have a boyfriend to complete my life. I missed loving someone, and having someone to love. But the more I looked at it, and thought about it, I don't think I ever really loved any of them. Don't get me wrong, I loved parts of their personality, I loved certain things about who they were, but I never really loved any of them for all that they were, or all that they weren't. I only loved the positive things but never loved who they were with flaws. And conversley I don't think any of them really loved me either. There was always something about me that wasn't enough, or wasn't good enough. Accepting that actually brought me a lot of peace about my direction in life in general. The last few months have been easier. I don't feel the need to seclude myself just to get away from everything. I don't feel odd hanging out with friends that are dating someone. It also allowed me to start this new relationship with fresh eyes, and a happier outlook. I am falling for his flaws just as much as I am falling for his perfections. Its such a nice change to be accepted for all the things that I am...but also for all the things that I will never be. I finally know what it really feels like to be happy in a relationship.

On a wholey unrelated side note, I found out this weekend that my ex has moved back to Colorado. This news entertains me a great deal. Mostly because a large reason I left in the first place was his all out flat refusal to ever move back to Colorado. Now I find out that not only did he move back, but he is living with his parents. It would seem that for all the lectures about his need to fulfill his dreams he never had the ambition to make that happen.

I always wondered

In a rather random conversation this weekend I came up with a list of some of the things I always wanted to know...I share them with you now in hopes that someone out there will be able to answer one or two of them for me:

Why was Smurfette the only girl smurf? This question has plagued me since my childhood.

Why did the Jetsons still have highways in space...and traffic jams? Its space for crying-out-loud!

Another Jetsons question. When the policeman pulls you over in space he has an air helmet on much like astronauts wear now...but the bubble dome on George's car always just lifts right up. Why does the cop need an oxygen bubble, but the vacuum of space doesn't suck George's brain out of his ears without one?

Who gets to have vending machines in the white house...coke or pepsi? I wonder this because in the vast majority of buildings you have to pick one or the other. If this is how it works for the white house does the President get to pick which vendor gets to bring frosty beverages in?

Was bugs bunny a transvestite or was he really just messing with Elmer Fudd?

Does the fact that your finger fits perfectly in your own nose, but not nearly as well in someone elses' prove that there is a God...or does it just prove that we spend too much of our childhood with our fingers up our noses?

If anyone can provide any nuggets of wisom regarding these dilemas I would welcome them!!

Good Things Come...

To those who wait. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that. That I need to be patient, that when I'm meant to have something it will find me and I need to stop pushing. I hated hearing that. Mostly it was because I didn't like being told to give up trying for the things that I want. I'm usually a "doer," if it isn't happening the way it should or not happening at all I try to find a way to make it. I hold fast to the belief that there is always something you can do to change your situation. However, nothing I was doing was making what I wanted happen, or making the non-existant situation better. Until I stopped trying. I just let it go. I will not even try to describe how incredibly difficult that was. That was about 3 weeks ago...I just quite trying. And wouldn't you know it, here I sit, with exactly what I worked for so many months to try to get, and I did nothing to make it happen...I just was. Its still very new, so clearly I'm still in the stupid happy phase, which I expect to wear off any day now lol, but i'm really hoping it doesn't. As much as I want to tell you about all the cute, seemingly insignificant stuff that goes on that makes it special I will refrain (for now lol), mostly because I know very few people who will read this will actually care. But for now lets just say that more than any piece of jewelry or expensive gift you can give a person, its the little gestures that you make every day that can truly make a person feel loved.

Calvin and Hobbes

Sometimes its important not to worry about the little things...

Daily Horoscope

Usually I read my horoscope every morning. I almost never put stock by it, but sometimes I just find it interesting. This is what mine said today: "Taurus: You may consider expressing a feeling that has been locked up, but it could bring up complex relationship issues that you would prefer to avoid for now. Even if you want to share a profound emotion, you might be conflicted about how much to reveal. Let logic be your guide for now and don't show too much until you are more comfortable. "
This got me thinking...is there really locked up feeling that I have about a relationship? Is there something I have been avoiding telling an important person in my life (I assume its an important person as I don't really have profound emotions about people that aren't important to me.) I actually spent a little time thinking about this, if there was a danger of me randomly blurting out an important feeling to someone I wanted to know about it before they did. The first thought I had was "I would really like some cottage cheese." However, that was completely unproductive when considering the above statement, so I chose to ignore it (heehee come on laugh, I thought it was funny, and yes that's really the first thing I thought).
This actually proved to be a very productive reflection. I am, sometimes terrifyingly, honest with my friends, at least my very close friends. If I care about someone then I am going to tell them the truth and tell them what I think and feel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or them. Its important that people know how you feel about them, so many people live to regret not saying certain things for one reason or another. I have told people I loved them, even when I know they don't love me back (because lets face it who doesn't want to be told that someone loves them); I've told several of my friends that they are ridiculous, or assholish, or self centered. I'm not ashamed of having told some of my friends the things they didn't want to hear (especially the self centered one) because as important as it is to compliment them and tell them nice upbeat things, its also important to tell them the not-so-happy things. Too often it is hard for people to see how their behavior is hurting others, not because they don't care, they are simply just too close to the situation. Sometimes is good for someone else to hold up the mirror to your face, and make you look at the things you didn't want to see. There are very few cases where honesty will ruin a really good friendship. Although I'm more open with some of my friends than others, I still tell all of them the important things, the really meaningful things that I think and feel.
So after all that rambling, I've decided not to worry much about today's horoscope. Maybe there is something that I am just not ready to admit to myself that I feel about someone I know. But on the whole I am confident that they all know the important things that I would have to share with them. Life is just too short to keep things from people you care about.

Just one of those days

For no good reason I'm very sad today. There is nothing in particular that has gone wrong today or this week, I'm just sad. I think part of it may be that one of my really good friends is going home to Houston. I got to spend some time with her this weekend and last night which is great, but I'm sad that she's leaving again. She makes me laugh, and those people seem to be running short these days. Perhaps that's it. I haven't been able to sit down with friends and just laugh and have fun in a long time. I also finally admitted that some of my friends will just never be there when I need them to be. Perhaps I was demanding to much of them, perhaps they just dont have time...I dont really know and I'm tired of trying to worry about it. Maybe its a good thing, perhaps now I will get better at dealing with my life on my own, and I wont need to turn to anyone but myself for consolation and reassurance. That would certainly be different, who knows...maybe it will be better.
Even as I try to put my finger on it now, sitting here writing, I can't quite decide what is wrong with this day. Maybe its just everything, all the things that didn't happen and should have, all the things I want to happen that never will. Perhaps the weight of all of those things has finally filled me, finally made itself really known. I feel like its choking a part of me, like its stilling the breath in my lungs. Hopefully writing it all down and getting it out will ease that a bit, let me breath around it again.
I have been thinking about my ex a little lately. He called about 2 weeks ago just to talk. We ended, or I should say I ended, the relationship almost a year ago, in September it will be a year. Talking to him made me realize that I do actually miss him. Not really the relationship because that was mostly awful, at least toward the end, but him as a person when things were good and we were friends. I hate that I didn't try harder to stay friends with him. I needed to make a clean break, to move past that part of my life and try to heal some of the damage that was done to my soul, and my heart. That conversation was the first time I've talked to him since last September. I'm sad that it got to that point. It was awkward talking to him, but we talked through it and by the end of the conversation it was better, not great, but better. I hope that we can be friends again, he was a really good friend. It feels good to be able to say that to everyone, and no one. That I can admit that I miss him, but not that I miss him as a boyfriend, that I really do miss him as a friend and know that it is okay. That I don't have to feel any animosity or anger toward him, that part of things is over and I've fixed all that can be fixed at this point. That is just...better. I don't like hating my ex's. Though there is one I will never forgive for what he did, I don't hate him...I pity him.
Hopefully getting all of this out will help, I don't feel like I'm drowning in this feeling anymore and that's always nice. Maybe tonight I will have let some of it go, knowing that its not something I have to worry about. Maybe...

Completion

Well its finally finished!! After over a month of work the jewelry box that my grandpa and I made is finished. Its a monster lol and much bigger than we ever intended for it to be, but what the heck, I think its completely gorgeous!

A really fun shirt

For some reason, perhaps just because its Friday, but this t-shirt and the accompanying text made me laugh really hard. (the text is for the fire and water shirt)
Wear this shirt to: your Alchemy Club meetings.
Don’t wear this shirt to: a party at Earth & Air's place. They'll feel snubbed.
This shirt tells the world: "I'd rather be wet than on fire."
We call this color: Hot Wet Asphalt.

MUDD Volleyball

I love volleyball, it’s my favorite sport followed closely by football of course. I've been playing league grass volleyball since May, and court volleyball before that. It is really my sport of choice. And now I get to add a new dimension...Mud!! The March of Dimes has an annual MUDD volleyball tournament and I'm going to play in it this Saturday! I am really excited to get out there and get dirty for a good cause.
Of course the list of things we need is ridiculous...like shoes and clothes we are completely willing to throw away, and duct tape to keep our shoes on, and garbage bags or plastic for the seats of our cars...what kind of mud is this anyway!!!! Looks like I'll be suffering through a cold hose shower when I get home, cause I'm not cleaning that stuff out of my bathtub if they are telling me it wont rinse out of my shoes! Overall I am actually really looking forward to it, who doesn't like playing in a giant mud pit for a good cause!!!

Progress

The second image is after the second coat of finish!!! Hooray its almost done!

Projects

I am a very family oriented type person. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and by this I am including second and third cousins and great aunts and uncles because I know them all. So some people might think its strange that I spend so much time with my grandparents. But I enjoy it...so get over it ;-). My grandpa has a woodworking shop. It isn't huge, but its got enough toys that we can make pretty much any piece of furniture you could ever want (as long as it doesn't need apolstery). He hasn't been able to get into the shop for awhile so he wanted a small project to start back up again. Immediately I put in my request for a jewelry box. Basically there is a waiting list of projects, and it was my turn to have something made, however, getting the box in is cheating because he is starting on my real project (a cedar chest) as soon as we are done with this. So for the last month on weekends and evenings we have been making a jewelry box for me (in canary wood). And last night we finished the construction! All that is left for me is some sanding and putting the finish on. I also carved a wooden rose (in walnut, and yes it really was me that carved it! My first try at carving wood too!) to fix to the top of it. Its a lot bigger than we originally anticipated, and we even included a removable tray on the inside. All in all its a gorgeous box, and it was great that my grandpa and I made it. Now I will always have that from him. I couldn't have asked for a better project.

I shouldn't

Today is not what I would call one of my best days. This is largley because I had a moment of forgetfullness about why I don't go out on weeknights. My friend was in Denver yesterday which is great cause we haven't been able to hang out much lately. What began as having coffee turned into going with him to Westminster to hang with one of his friends. Under normal circumstances this would have been very awkward for me. I don't generally like to "hang out" with people I dont really know, and am usually very quiet and pretty much just keep to myself in these situations. However, one very strong vodka and cranberry juice tends to loosen even the most rigid of individuals up and I was soon laughing and talking freely with everyone. I actually had a good time (which kind of surprises me...its not that I'm not a nice person or that I don't like parties, its just that I tend not to be particularly accepting of people I don't know), and was rather shocked to look at the clock and see that it was already 11. Just a little side note for you kids, thats REALLY late for Rachel on a weeknight. So we loaded back up into the car (don't worry by this time I was perfectly sober) and drove our happy asses back home. Much to my friends surprise I didn't leave with anyone's number lol.
That little story leads me to my real point. I am completely worthless at work when I've had less than 5 hours of sleep. I am grouchy and feel unproductive, even though I am still getting plenty accomplished. I generally have a very negative attitude about all things in general, yea that's how I feel today. Perhaps the solution is that I need to stay out later more often, I am clearly out of practice.
Nah that wont work, I think my deep enjoyment of sleep would unanimously reject that option. Oh well once in awhile doesn't hurt, and hanging out with this particular friend is always worth it lol.

Things that make you go hmmmm....

There are several blogs that I read on a regular basis. Sometimes in my wanderings through the blog world of my chosing I come across something that lights my board, or makes me think. One such blog is by my...well she's not really a friend yet, more like an aquaintance, hopefully we will be friends but I digress...anyway her name is Ang. She posted a list of all the things she is grateful for, things that make her happy. This got me thinking about the things that brighten my world (its nice when posts can make you think of happy things). Her list included some deep things like religion, freedoms, and safety. These are all very good things. Unfortunately the more I thought about my list the more I realized the things that make me happy are much more random lol. Not to say that I am not thankful for all of my freedoms, and my relative safety, but in some measure I think I take these things for granted. I think the concepts of freedom and safety are too broad to really and truly make anyone happy. So in the interest of sharing...and in the interest of perpetuating good ideas from other blogs...here are some of the things that made my list (in no particular order):

1. Peanut Butter
2. comfy pj pants
3. really good wine
4. my motorcycle
5. Quarters
6. all of my closest friends (you know who you are...i'm not listing you here just to make you feel important lol)
7. glasses with fun swirly designs
8. anything sparkley or shiney
9. delicate glass objects
10. the complete randomness of the people I hang with
11. Sarcasm
12. Puke and Snot and Dead Bob (No I'm not explaining it...if you don't know I can't help you)
13. Turning any thought into something dirty lol...shut up it makes me smile
14. Oreos and Milk
15. The really squishy mud in river beds, even though it makes your feet smell like dead fish its still feels really cool

So there are some of my thoughts on the things that make me happy in life, the things I am grateful for having. Make your own list...even if you don't post it or comment on it. Just let your mind wander around the things that make you smile even when no one else gets the joke ;-)

The Rose - revised

Occassionally I like to dust off some of my old poetry and re-work it, keeping what I liked and changing what no longer worked....

The Rose
A lonely stone upon a hill
Dark with night as time stands still.
A saddened place in time and space
The final end to a great race.
See the mist around the ledge,
It hovers like a ghostly hedge,
Upon the ledge there lies in pose
A lonely single bloood red rose.
They weep to see the stone like fire
In the night, a darkened pyre.
It speaks of fear, the end, and grief
Only in final rest is there relief.
The only life to linger here
Is the one thing that sooths the fear,
Upon the ledge there lies in pose
That single lonely blood red rose.
It speaks of life and hope and love,
Lifts us up on wings of doves.
Reminds us all that life abounds
Even on the coldest grounds.
A fragile gift of deepest red
To adorn this lasting bed.
Look and you will see the glow
Of the single lonely blood red rose.

Cream Soda

My sister and I are prats. Granted we are prats that make each other, and sometimes even other people, laugh really hard. The most recent example of our odd behavior is a conversation we recently had about Cream Soda. Yes, I realize you may be asking yourself how a conversation about cream soda can make two people seem like goobers...but trust me it can. {{at times I may be paraphrasing what was actually said}}
Sister: This had better be fabulous cream soda
Me: Of course it will be...look at the bottle, it screams sophistication.
Sister: {{drinks}}
Me: And...
Sister: Hmmm a very smooth flavor {{smacks lips}} with a rich caramel after taste
Me:{{sips}} you're correct, with a frothy foamy head that is very pleasing, yet not overwhelming.
Sister: This could possibly be one of the best cream sodas I've ever had.
Me: {{pauses}} do you know how many people would think we are goobers for this conversation?
Sister & Me: {{laugh because we know exactly how many people think that}}

We also manage to have very amusing and in depth convsations about what to fix for dinner (so you want potatoes but are making stroganoff...that's too much white on your plate it will look boring, you should probably make a different veggie). One our best friends has a habit of just sitting and staring at us when we go off on tangents like this, she refuses to believe that two human beings can actually talk like that about things as boring as cream soda.

Update: I knew there was a reason I loved my friends...upon reading this post a friend said to me "indeed, i would declare that conversation of my particular caliber of interest and thusly, it seems one of an intelligable nature. i do declare, it is such a glorious achievement in verse that one might say that one's own former expectations of cream soda have been dramatically altered." Hahaha this is why we are friends.

Its sad how true this little poem is for so many people...

I'm sorry I'll never be thin enough for you



I'm sorry I'll never be perfect enough for you to care about me



I'm sorry I'm too short



I'm sorry my hair is not the right color



I'm sorry my nose is the wrong shape



I'm sorry my breasts are too small



I'm sorry I don't have all the money in the world



But mostly I'm sorry that you will never realize that a wonderful person just walked by you, even if she didn't look like your idea of perfect.