Sharing Silence

I really enjoy having someone to share silence with. In nearly all of my relationships, whether they are friends, family, or boyfriends, it seems that there is always a constant need for noise, for interference to fill the space. It isn't a bad thing, mostly my friends and I just have a lot to say to each other so there is very little silence when we are together. I never really appreciated how nice it can be to just exist with someone else in the room. Without a need to babble, or talk, or make any noise at all, to just sit together. It rained last night while I was with Caleb. We were sitting on the couch, each reading our own book, commenting on parts we thought were interesting or silly, and it started to thunder. He put his arm around my shoulders and I laid my head against his chest and we just sat and listened to the storm. It was okay that we weren't talking, we just sat there and shared the sounds of the storm, and the comfortable silence that existed in the house. I never thought I would enjoy that so much, but there was something about just sitting there that was more meaningful than an hours worth of conversation.

I wasn't always okay with stuff like that. Until recently I was very much a "keep to yourself" kind of person. Don't get me wrong, I love going out with my friends, and being around people I enjoy, but mostly I just wanted to sit in my room, with a good book and a warm blanket and just be with myself. I attribute this largely to the fact that I had been single for 10 months...the longest stretch of time since I was in the 7th grade. I wanted, and needed, that time to become comfortable with me. I needed to get to know the Rachel that wasn't attached to a boy, that didn't have to worry about anyone's happiness but her own, that didn't have to make excuses for whatever guy she was dating. Some of that time was really hard on me, after having been in one relationship or another for so long it was really hard to get comfortable with the fact that I didn't have to have a boyfriend to complete my life. I missed loving someone, and having someone to love. But the more I looked at it, and thought about it, I don't think I ever really loved any of them. Don't get me wrong, I loved parts of their personality, I loved certain things about who they were, but I never really loved any of them for all that they were, or all that they weren't. I only loved the positive things but never loved who they were with flaws. And conversley I don't think any of them really loved me either. There was always something about me that wasn't enough, or wasn't good enough. Accepting that actually brought me a lot of peace about my direction in life in general. The last few months have been easier. I don't feel the need to seclude myself just to get away from everything. I don't feel odd hanging out with friends that are dating someone. It also allowed me to start this new relationship with fresh eyes, and a happier outlook. I am falling for his flaws just as much as I am falling for his perfections. Its such a nice change to be accepted for all the things that I am...but also for all the things that I will never be. I finally know what it really feels like to be happy in a relationship.

On a wholey unrelated side note, I found out this weekend that my ex has moved back to Colorado. This news entertains me a great deal. Mostly because a large reason I left in the first place was his all out flat refusal to ever move back to Colorado. Now I find out that not only did he move back, but he is living with his parents. It would seem that for all the lectures about his need to fulfill his dreams he never had the ambition to make that happen.