Good Things Come...

To those who wait. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that. That I need to be patient, that when I'm meant to have something it will find me and I need to stop pushing. I hated hearing that. Mostly it was because I didn't like being told to give up trying for the things that I want. I'm usually a "doer," if it isn't happening the way it should or not happening at all I try to find a way to make it. I hold fast to the belief that there is always something you can do to change your situation. However, nothing I was doing was making what I wanted happen, or making the non-existant situation better. Until I stopped trying. I just let it go. I will not even try to describe how incredibly difficult that was. That was about 3 weeks ago...I just quite trying. And wouldn't you know it, here I sit, with exactly what I worked for so many months to try to get, and I did nothing to make it happen...I just was. Its still very new, so clearly I'm still in the stupid happy phase, which I expect to wear off any day now lol, but i'm really hoping it doesn't. As much as I want to tell you about all the cute, seemingly insignificant stuff that goes on that makes it special I will refrain (for now lol), mostly because I know very few people who will read this will actually care. But for now lets just say that more than any piece of jewelry or expensive gift you can give a person, its the little gestures that you make every day that can truly make a person feel loved.

Calvin and Hobbes

Sometimes its important not to worry about the little things...

Daily Horoscope

Usually I read my horoscope every morning. I almost never put stock by it, but sometimes I just find it interesting. This is what mine said today: "Taurus: You may consider expressing a feeling that has been locked up, but it could bring up complex relationship issues that you would prefer to avoid for now. Even if you want to share a profound emotion, you might be conflicted about how much to reveal. Let logic be your guide for now and don't show too much until you are more comfortable. "
This got me thinking...is there really locked up feeling that I have about a relationship? Is there something I have been avoiding telling an important person in my life (I assume its an important person as I don't really have profound emotions about people that aren't important to me.) I actually spent a little time thinking about this, if there was a danger of me randomly blurting out an important feeling to someone I wanted to know about it before they did. The first thought I had was "I would really like some cottage cheese." However, that was completely unproductive when considering the above statement, so I chose to ignore it (heehee come on laugh, I thought it was funny, and yes that's really the first thing I thought).
This actually proved to be a very productive reflection. I am, sometimes terrifyingly, honest with my friends, at least my very close friends. If I care about someone then I am going to tell them the truth and tell them what I think and feel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me or them. Its important that people know how you feel about them, so many people live to regret not saying certain things for one reason or another. I have told people I loved them, even when I know they don't love me back (because lets face it who doesn't want to be told that someone loves them); I've told several of my friends that they are ridiculous, or assholish, or self centered. I'm not ashamed of having told some of my friends the things they didn't want to hear (especially the self centered one) because as important as it is to compliment them and tell them nice upbeat things, its also important to tell them the not-so-happy things. Too often it is hard for people to see how their behavior is hurting others, not because they don't care, they are simply just too close to the situation. Sometimes is good for someone else to hold up the mirror to your face, and make you look at the things you didn't want to see. There are very few cases where honesty will ruin a really good friendship. Although I'm more open with some of my friends than others, I still tell all of them the important things, the really meaningful things that I think and feel.
So after all that rambling, I've decided not to worry much about today's horoscope. Maybe there is something that I am just not ready to admit to myself that I feel about someone I know. But on the whole I am confident that they all know the important things that I would have to share with them. Life is just too short to keep things from people you care about.

Just one of those days

For no good reason I'm very sad today. There is nothing in particular that has gone wrong today or this week, I'm just sad. I think part of it may be that one of my really good friends is going home to Houston. I got to spend some time with her this weekend and last night which is great, but I'm sad that she's leaving again. She makes me laugh, and those people seem to be running short these days. Perhaps that's it. I haven't been able to sit down with friends and just laugh and have fun in a long time. I also finally admitted that some of my friends will just never be there when I need them to be. Perhaps I was demanding to much of them, perhaps they just dont have time...I dont really know and I'm tired of trying to worry about it. Maybe its a good thing, perhaps now I will get better at dealing with my life on my own, and I wont need to turn to anyone but myself for consolation and reassurance. That would certainly be different, who knows...maybe it will be better.
Even as I try to put my finger on it now, sitting here writing, I can't quite decide what is wrong with this day. Maybe its just everything, all the things that didn't happen and should have, all the things I want to happen that never will. Perhaps the weight of all of those things has finally filled me, finally made itself really known. I feel like its choking a part of me, like its stilling the breath in my lungs. Hopefully writing it all down and getting it out will ease that a bit, let me breath around it again.
I have been thinking about my ex a little lately. He called about 2 weeks ago just to talk. We ended, or I should say I ended, the relationship almost a year ago, in September it will be a year. Talking to him made me realize that I do actually miss him. Not really the relationship because that was mostly awful, at least toward the end, but him as a person when things were good and we were friends. I hate that I didn't try harder to stay friends with him. I needed to make a clean break, to move past that part of my life and try to heal some of the damage that was done to my soul, and my heart. That conversation was the first time I've talked to him since last September. I'm sad that it got to that point. It was awkward talking to him, but we talked through it and by the end of the conversation it was better, not great, but better. I hope that we can be friends again, he was a really good friend. It feels good to be able to say that to everyone, and no one. That I can admit that I miss him, but not that I miss him as a boyfriend, that I really do miss him as a friend and know that it is okay. That I don't have to feel any animosity or anger toward him, that part of things is over and I've fixed all that can be fixed at this point. That is just...better. I don't like hating my ex's. Though there is one I will never forgive for what he did, I don't hate him...I pity him.
Hopefully getting all of this out will help, I don't feel like I'm drowning in this feeling anymore and that's always nice. Maybe tonight I will have let some of it go, knowing that its not something I have to worry about. Maybe...

Completion

Well its finally finished!! After over a month of work the jewelry box that my grandpa and I made is finished. Its a monster lol and much bigger than we ever intended for it to be, but what the heck, I think its completely gorgeous!

A really fun shirt

For some reason, perhaps just because its Friday, but this t-shirt and the accompanying text made me laugh really hard. (the text is for the fire and water shirt)
Wear this shirt to: your Alchemy Club meetings.
Don’t wear this shirt to: a party at Earth & Air's place. They'll feel snubbed.
This shirt tells the world: "I'd rather be wet than on fire."
We call this color: Hot Wet Asphalt.

MUDD Volleyball

I love volleyball, it’s my favorite sport followed closely by football of course. I've been playing league grass volleyball since May, and court volleyball before that. It is really my sport of choice. And now I get to add a new dimension...Mud!! The March of Dimes has an annual MUDD volleyball tournament and I'm going to play in it this Saturday! I am really excited to get out there and get dirty for a good cause.
Of course the list of things we need is ridiculous...like shoes and clothes we are completely willing to throw away, and duct tape to keep our shoes on, and garbage bags or plastic for the seats of our cars...what kind of mud is this anyway!!!! Looks like I'll be suffering through a cold hose shower when I get home, cause I'm not cleaning that stuff out of my bathtub if they are telling me it wont rinse out of my shoes! Overall I am actually really looking forward to it, who doesn't like playing in a giant mud pit for a good cause!!!

Progress

The second image is after the second coat of finish!!! Hooray its almost done!

Projects

I am a very family oriented type person. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and by this I am including second and third cousins and great aunts and uncles because I know them all. So some people might think its strange that I spend so much time with my grandparents. But I enjoy it...so get over it ;-). My grandpa has a woodworking shop. It isn't huge, but its got enough toys that we can make pretty much any piece of furniture you could ever want (as long as it doesn't need apolstery). He hasn't been able to get into the shop for awhile so he wanted a small project to start back up again. Immediately I put in my request for a jewelry box. Basically there is a waiting list of projects, and it was my turn to have something made, however, getting the box in is cheating because he is starting on my real project (a cedar chest) as soon as we are done with this. So for the last month on weekends and evenings we have been making a jewelry box for me (in canary wood). And last night we finished the construction! All that is left for me is some sanding and putting the finish on. I also carved a wooden rose (in walnut, and yes it really was me that carved it! My first try at carving wood too!) to fix to the top of it. Its a lot bigger than we originally anticipated, and we even included a removable tray on the inside. All in all its a gorgeous box, and it was great that my grandpa and I made it. Now I will always have that from him. I couldn't have asked for a better project.

I shouldn't

Today is not what I would call one of my best days. This is largley because I had a moment of forgetfullness about why I don't go out on weeknights. My friend was in Denver yesterday which is great cause we haven't been able to hang out much lately. What began as having coffee turned into going with him to Westminster to hang with one of his friends. Under normal circumstances this would have been very awkward for me. I don't generally like to "hang out" with people I dont really know, and am usually very quiet and pretty much just keep to myself in these situations. However, one very strong vodka and cranberry juice tends to loosen even the most rigid of individuals up and I was soon laughing and talking freely with everyone. I actually had a good time (which kind of surprises me...its not that I'm not a nice person or that I don't like parties, its just that I tend not to be particularly accepting of people I don't know), and was rather shocked to look at the clock and see that it was already 11. Just a little side note for you kids, thats REALLY late for Rachel on a weeknight. So we loaded back up into the car (don't worry by this time I was perfectly sober) and drove our happy asses back home. Much to my friends surprise I didn't leave with anyone's number lol.
That little story leads me to my real point. I am completely worthless at work when I've had less than 5 hours of sleep. I am grouchy and feel unproductive, even though I am still getting plenty accomplished. I generally have a very negative attitude about all things in general, yea that's how I feel today. Perhaps the solution is that I need to stay out later more often, I am clearly out of practice.
Nah that wont work, I think my deep enjoyment of sleep would unanimously reject that option. Oh well once in awhile doesn't hurt, and hanging out with this particular friend is always worth it lol.

Things that make you go hmmmm....

There are several blogs that I read on a regular basis. Sometimes in my wanderings through the blog world of my chosing I come across something that lights my board, or makes me think. One such blog is by my...well she's not really a friend yet, more like an aquaintance, hopefully we will be friends but I digress...anyway her name is Ang. She posted a list of all the things she is grateful for, things that make her happy. This got me thinking about the things that brighten my world (its nice when posts can make you think of happy things). Her list included some deep things like religion, freedoms, and safety. These are all very good things. Unfortunately the more I thought about my list the more I realized the things that make me happy are much more random lol. Not to say that I am not thankful for all of my freedoms, and my relative safety, but in some measure I think I take these things for granted. I think the concepts of freedom and safety are too broad to really and truly make anyone happy. So in the interest of sharing...and in the interest of perpetuating good ideas from other blogs...here are some of the things that made my list (in no particular order):

1. Peanut Butter
2. comfy pj pants
3. really good wine
4. my motorcycle
5. Quarters
6. all of my closest friends (you know who you are...i'm not listing you here just to make you feel important lol)
7. glasses with fun swirly designs
8. anything sparkley or shiney
9. delicate glass objects
10. the complete randomness of the people I hang with
11. Sarcasm
12. Puke and Snot and Dead Bob (No I'm not explaining it...if you don't know I can't help you)
13. Turning any thought into something dirty lol...shut up it makes me smile
14. Oreos and Milk
15. The really squishy mud in river beds, even though it makes your feet smell like dead fish its still feels really cool

So there are some of my thoughts on the things that make me happy in life, the things I am grateful for having. Make your own list...even if you don't post it or comment on it. Just let your mind wander around the things that make you smile even when no one else gets the joke ;-)

The Rose - revised

Occassionally I like to dust off some of my old poetry and re-work it, keeping what I liked and changing what no longer worked....

The Rose
A lonely stone upon a hill
Dark with night as time stands still.
A saddened place in time and space
The final end to a great race.
See the mist around the ledge,
It hovers like a ghostly hedge,
Upon the ledge there lies in pose
A lonely single bloood red rose.
They weep to see the stone like fire
In the night, a darkened pyre.
It speaks of fear, the end, and grief
Only in final rest is there relief.
The only life to linger here
Is the one thing that sooths the fear,
Upon the ledge there lies in pose
That single lonely blood red rose.
It speaks of life and hope and love,
Lifts us up on wings of doves.
Reminds us all that life abounds
Even on the coldest grounds.
A fragile gift of deepest red
To adorn this lasting bed.
Look and you will see the glow
Of the single lonely blood red rose.

Cream Soda

My sister and I are prats. Granted we are prats that make each other, and sometimes even other people, laugh really hard. The most recent example of our odd behavior is a conversation we recently had about Cream Soda. Yes, I realize you may be asking yourself how a conversation about cream soda can make two people seem like goobers...but trust me it can. {{at times I may be paraphrasing what was actually said}}
Sister: This had better be fabulous cream soda
Me: Of course it will be...look at the bottle, it screams sophistication.
Sister: {{drinks}}
Me: And...
Sister: Hmmm a very smooth flavor {{smacks lips}} with a rich caramel after taste
Me:{{sips}} you're correct, with a frothy foamy head that is very pleasing, yet not overwhelming.
Sister: This could possibly be one of the best cream sodas I've ever had.
Me: {{pauses}} do you know how many people would think we are goobers for this conversation?
Sister & Me: {{laugh because we know exactly how many people think that}}

We also manage to have very amusing and in depth convsations about what to fix for dinner (so you want potatoes but are making stroganoff...that's too much white on your plate it will look boring, you should probably make a different veggie). One our best friends has a habit of just sitting and staring at us when we go off on tangents like this, she refuses to believe that two human beings can actually talk like that about things as boring as cream soda.

Update: I knew there was a reason I loved my friends...upon reading this post a friend said to me "indeed, i would declare that conversation of my particular caliber of interest and thusly, it seems one of an intelligable nature. i do declare, it is such a glorious achievement in verse that one might say that one's own former expectations of cream soda have been dramatically altered." Hahaha this is why we are friends.

Its sad how true this little poem is for so many people...

I'm sorry I'll never be thin enough for you



I'm sorry I'll never be perfect enough for you to care about me



I'm sorry I'm too short



I'm sorry my hair is not the right color



I'm sorry my nose is the wrong shape



I'm sorry my breasts are too small



I'm sorry I don't have all the money in the world



But mostly I'm sorry that you will never realize that a wonderful person just walked by you, even if she didn't look like your idea of perfect.

The Powers that Be

Currently my family and I are fighting the "powers that be." What this means is that we are trying to reincorporate the town in which we live (Franktown) to remove it from country rule. Essentially we are trying to make our town a self governing entity again. And the county commissioners are fighting us...very very hard. According to Colorado state statues any town that was legally recognized as a town prior to 1874 can reorganize and "re-awaken" their incorporation and bypass current state regulations. As it happens Franktown was formally recognized as a town by the territorial government in 1864, so HOORAY! we should be able to incorporate no problem, right? WRONG! The problem we have been slammed up against is that there are a number of "large landowners" in Franktown with more money than you can shake a stick at that don't want us to incorporate. To give you an idea of what we are doing, the original town of Franktown (then Frankstown) was a mile square...think about it people, all I'm talking about here is incorporating a mile square of land. This square mile has 20 "official" registered voters. However, the landowners up to 10 miles away from the area we are trying to incorporate have a BIG problem with what we are trying to do. So to stop us, they are using their financial weight to sway the commissioners to their side. These people, who haven't lived in Franktown for more than 5 or 6 years, and have no appreciation for what we are trying to do, are trying to kill our hopes of self government. Their reasoning...they don't want Franktown to grow...EVER. They don't want new businesses, or a change in the landscape that they can view from their quarter million dollar home in the trees. You may be wondering why I'm so totally opposed to their view of the situation. Let me elaborate. My family has lived in Franktown for over 100 years. So while these people are complaining that they don't want their view ruined, they fail to realize (or realize and don't care) that when the 3 story monstrosity they call a home they completely decimated the view from our house. They don't want to understand that by incorporating we are trying to save our town. Save it from being swallowed by Castle Rock, or Parker, or even Elizabeth someday. We want Franktown to stay Franktown, we don't want it to dry up and become a ghost town and we don't want it to lose its identity to one of the bigger cities that every day creeps closer to our borders. Franktown is still a small town, one of the few left this close to Denver, and now we might lose it forever. When we filed legal action in District Court a few weeks ago, the County Commissioners filed a petition with the State Secretary to abandon the town of Franktown, as well as several other small hamlets within Douglas County. They want to officially declare us non-entities, they want to say we are not now, nor can we ever be an "official" town. Perhaps its just me, but this is very reminiscent of a 3 year old throwing a fit. The citizens of Frankstown are standing together and telling the county seat that we wont be told what we can do with our land, or risk having our land condemned so that they wealthy newcomers can have a pretty park against the river (which is what they are threatening to do with my families land). And because we are a perceived threat to their autonomous power they are trying to say we never existed. It saddens me more ever day that our government can be bought. That it isn't always about the rights of the people, be they the few or the many, its about the rights of those with the deepest pockets. That people can have more respect for a dollar, then they do for a town with 120 + years of history that will just fade away into nothingness if we don't do something for it. I want anyone who reads this to ask yourself, what would you do to save your town. Is the place you live important enough to fight for? We know our town is worth fighting to save, even if we lose the fight in the end, at least we'll know we tried.

Perhaps you remember, or perhaps not, my mention of a date I was supposed to have back in December (wow that seems like a long time ago heehee) with Aaron. Well we are finally going to give that a go tonight. There will be pasta involved, and cheesecake...mmm cheesecake...and perhaps some random fun on his radio show afterwards. It should be a good time. You should listen in, it might be interesting!

Family Reunion

We had a family reunion today. Now most people would cringe and tell me how sorry they are that I had to attend such an event. However, I must tell you that I absolutely love when we all get together (well at least this side of my family). We laughed so hard all day that my face hurts. We also played a rousing game of lawn darts. Yes, I know you aren't supposed to have them anymore...but its still a fun game.

This is my uncle Rob...he was very good at lawn darts (I really suck by the way). We had second cousins, great uncles and aunts, girlfriends, and other various extended family members. Its a great time. So withouth further ado some more pictures of the day.

I got to be the grill master!!

The food was great. And there was a lot of it. In fact I think we still have a lot of it left.

Ya know, lawn darts really isn't that exciting to watch...but we tried.

Uncle Rob decided it would be a good idea to tackle Great Aunt Betty after she beat him in lawn darts. She was definitley winning at this point in the proceedings though.

It was a really good day. And I can't say anything bad about family reunions!

Sugar and Spice

So as it turns out I've been very angry lately. For no good reason, with no excuses to offer for myself I've just been angry. Between an ex that doesn't know how to quit while he's ahead and other vague and uninteresting problems with my life, there never seems to be a time when I can just cool down and simply enjoy things the way they are. One alarmingly noticable incident of my growing hostility came last week. I just wanted wine with dinner. Just a nice glass of white wine that I've been saving for the last 6 months for no special reason. It of course was not chilled. Fine! Stick it in the fridge and get dinner going, I have a wine chiller (which is a fabulous investment by the way) so its not a crisis situation. So 20 minutes later when my pasta is ready and salad made I take out the wine chiller. Clearly the bottle in the fridge is not ready so a quick round in the newest gadget is warranted. And low and behold the power cable is no where to be found. Are you kidding me?! I just used the thing 2 days ago and now the stupid cord has magically disappared! Long story short this episode turned into a 15 minute search for the cord, determined to find it. Still didn't find it, by that time dinner was completely cold and no longer appetizing at all (I made the meal to go with the wine, no wine...no meal). So I trashed the whole idea and that was that.
Yes, I realize looking back on it now, I may have over-reacted just a tad...okay a lot. But that gives you an example of my state of mind lately. And that is about average, there have been worse episodes and there have been less dramatic ones ( those usually involve me muttering insulting or unfriendly things under my breath to people who I'm not totally sure were trying to offend me in any way), but generally that's been about the norm. You can imagine how much fun this has been for my friends/family. But they love me anyway (mostly).
And then this weekend the awful feeling just kind of evaporated. I don't know where it went, and certainly don't want it back. Partially responsible for this change in mood is a...what I can only call acceptance...of the way things are. I spend too much time trying to fix things, line things up in neat rows so that I know what to expect and know for sure that I'm in charge. Then I realized I'm not in charge. Not all the time anyway. And every time I try to stack the deck, or make others play the game my way I lose, and I'm talking big time lose. So I decided, the hell with that. I'm happy with me, who and what I am. I love my job, despite all of the crap that can go on there. Life right now, for me, is pretty good. And once I let go of that need to know everything, things just felt better. I agreed to go on a double date with a guy I hardly know, which I have here to for refused to do because of previously mentioned reasons, and it was actually a lot of fun. And as he pointed out (and surprisingly it didn't totally piss me off) I was very friendly and very funny, and actually a sweet person when I wasn't trying to be such a bitch. So yay me!
So for any one who has noticed the increase in my vile moods, or had to suffer through hearing about them, I apologize. At least for the moment I am much better, and sincerely hope to remain that way, at least for awhile. I mean lets face it I can't be nice all the time...what would people think of me LOL.

Have you ever?

Its been one of those days. Nothing seems remotely interesting, and though I've run around like a crazy person all day trying to get crap done it feels as though I've accomplished absolutely nothing. Some days just turn out to be sadly unfulling, and usually leave you wanting more. There have been highlights in my day, I have a lifesize carboard image of D-Wade (he's a basketball player) and today my cube-mate Adam and I took turns shooting him with an airsoft gun, yea that was a good time. Just wondering if you've ever had one of those days, and any advice for getting out of that funk.

Lookey here!

Yup your eyes are true. I cut 7 inches off of my hair on saturday! Its super cute! Hooray! LOL